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XIN YING ▼ "Born to live, live to dream, and dream to live." Took my first breath in this world on 22/April/1993. My current course in ITE: Hair Fashion & Design. Inspired to become the best Hairdresser, prove those wrong right. Music fills my days. Friends are my life, without them, my days are meaningless and dull. I'm someone whose straightforward and HATE Homophobics. Don't judge me before you even get to know me This is where i write how i feel,perhaps from here you may get to know me more? I Suck at expressing, so therefore this is the only place which i blog how i feel. Cus everytime i try, i get tongue tied. I don't lead an interesting life, just very ordinary. But i have a dream, that dream rides me to different vitality, challenging and extraordinary. Know me, and you'll know how it goes. I don't entertain haters here, so if you've got to the wrong site, just simply click the close button. "It's foolish to be obsessed with past failures. And it's just as foolish to be self-satisfied with one's small achievements." FORMSPRING
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SOME THINGS ARE EASIER TO BE WRITTEN/TYPED OUT THAN SPOKEN WITH OUR MOUTHS.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011 @ 1:42 AM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.
[It's been months since my last update.
Now this space will be used for me to rant my feelings out. Won't be updating often.] Don't read if you find it boring, just a personal space for ranting. Well, things haven't been going fine at home since Grandpa's death. Me and that women haven't spoke to each other since then, it's been 6 months. She never stops giving me problems and being more calculative than ever. At times, i really wonder where do i get all my patience from. It's a good thing but somewhat bad in a way. Sigh~ I really don't understand adults/marriage. Most people are lovey dovey before marrige and things become the opposite aftermath. If things really don't go well, divorce is the solution to it. Then what if they have children? Do they even spare a thought for them? MAYBE YES? But most probably NO, cus they only think about themselves. Up till this day, I really want to hear the REAL reason for my mom leaving me. I want to believe that 'MOMS LOVE ARE THE GREATEST AND NOBLE.' But, I guess I don't have to the reason to believe that. Not then, not now, maybe not forever? Even though I've stopped and gave up the idea of looking for her. I just hope hope hope~ some day, i will be able to see her. I don't need her to acknowledge the relationship between us, cus we are nothing but more than strangers. Don't know about each other, just wonder. [Perhaps she might even forgot about me] I may be her burden, so i would just like to see how she's doing from far and act like strangers. But i really wonder when will my simple wish come true, just to see her once, I would be very much satisfied and won't ever ask for anything more. Living under this roof with a women whom i have to call my "mom" is insurmountable. We see each other everyday, not in good terms, and what's more? NOT IN GOOD TERMS, don't try to imagine how it's like. She marks everything down to the point where I can only use my personal utensils. [Which was kind of lucky, a friend of mine bought for me as birthday gift, now it has become something of use.] Like everything in the house has labels on it, belongs to whosoever, and whatever she buys, im not allowed to touch/use it. You may think im bullshitting, but yes, it's like that all along. Ain't trying to self pity myself, i just thought these happens in dramas but it is happening to me. What a world. The food I buy, i can only keep it in my room. Cus there was once i bought groceries and put them in the kitchen where it's specifcally for the items. It was all taken out and thrown back in the plastic bag and thrown back in my room when i'm out. There's always a reason why I'm still in here, 1. Dad, because of him, I'll stay. 2. I don't have the money and capability to rent a room now as I'm still schooling. And still have to rely on my dad in terms of finance/allowances. Maybe not one but two reason. Isn't it funny when she randomly bring out something to say, not straight in my face but saying out loud from the living room, and raising her voice so that i could her what she's talking about? Dang~ Would very much appreciate it if she come right up at my face to say those words. No fuckin' pussy to say in front of me. I don't have to be reminded that I don't have a mom to bring me up. So what? I have a Dad, a Dad whom acts like a Dad and Mom at the same time. Single-handedly raised me up. Of course not forgetting my late grandparents.. I used to feel/think, why am i brought to this Earth. What's my purpose? Until now, i don't have a specific one. But i know, im here for a reason. There are still many things have yet to be done. One of them, includes my career. Used to feel that, money is not everything. Yes, it's not. But IT IS in another way. I've been thinking alot these days as I'm grounded at home. A really good time to reflect. Seeing how my dad ages day by day really hurts, working hard to earn money and keep this family going. Yet, i can't do the simplest thing for him, keeping Unity in this family. ... Sigh~ I tried, tried, tried, tried tried, tried, tried and tried. Really did tried. Till it drains out all of me. I'm tired too.. I wouldn't really show this side of me, most would just see that expressionless or happy smilling face like none of these had ever happened. But one can tell when I become quieter than usual, smile lesser than usual and temper is abit tensed. Sometimes in circumstances, I hurt people by my words unknowingly by being too straightforward. I don't mean it, just that I couldn't express myself right. Knowing that i shouldn't let personal emotions take control, but it still takes it's toll on me at times. If I had ever hurt you with my words, I'm sorry. I know it doesn't help, but just wanna let you know how apologethic i felt after i said some words. Which i didn't thought how much it would hurt someone. This is one of my flaw which im trying to correct it. Give me abit more time, alright? {: Labels: I don't know what's on your mind, we never really spoke what's in our hearts. |