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What's This Suddenly?..

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 @ 8:05 PM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

sigh~
today went out with Carmen and bei yi.
Met up with carmen, ate at Ion Swensens.
Then after that went to her house, saw Carine's stuff, secondary school photos and everything.
Sometimes i really wonder why did she dump a lovely home like hers?
Got loving parents and a sister whom cares about her and whom can talk to like a friend.

I'm not comparing with her or whatsoever, but i would really like a home like this.
Feel damn upset recently..
Family not going well, so does my friend.
I feel like deleting every single thing from cyber world, and leave my home for good.
I feel that i've become heartless.
Or maybe too lonely?
i have siblings at home, but there are restriction upon them from my stepmom.
I really dont know what to do...:'(
Each time i feel upset, i would just blog.
Cus i really can't find anyone i can talk to.
Not even Bei yi..,
we used to be so close, but after today i realised we had drifted alot, for some reasons.
I used to rely alot on her, she's more than any friend to me.
But i just lost her..
Nothing to say, nothing nothing everything became nothing at all.

She got attitude, i got my limits.
I've calmed down alot, tolerate her being, tried to understand her, listened to her, said i will always be there for her[i did], thought she would change for the better, thought she would be happier if i cheer her up, thought if i meet up with her she will be distracted so that she won't have time to think about anything else, but today i see it all..
Maybe i just don't mean anything to her anymore, or maybe i treat her like this then she took me for granted?
I hate such feeling of being taken for granted.
That's what she's showing me.
I'm not complaining about her her, am just writing what i didn't have the chance to.

As alot of you readers know, she's my closest friend. yeah, i just lost her, now i feel so deserted and alone.

And now home, im not in good terms with my mom.
Expected, not talking at all.
I really want to move out, whether my dad approves or not, had been obeying him i would like to disobey this time.
Now I'm looking for a place to stay, help me look out if got any lobang.
Think am quitting my current job if i found a place to stay.
I want to quit contact with everyone too.
It's really pointless for me.
As day goes by, i realised all the belief i had in be it friendship or love is gone.

That's what i mean by pointless.

In school, everytime with Peiling, the things she say sometimes makes me laugh, when she knows im upset she will find something funny to say, she's not that kind of friend where she really listens she does but sometimes. Sometimes or most of the time she have to tolerate my shit attitude, sometimes i ignore[give her cold shoulder] her, but inside i feel bad but i really got nothing to say.

Peiling, if you are reading thise i hope you understand and know that i feel sorry too.
I wouldn't be able to say this to you cus i might just break down in front of you.
I know im weak, i got alot of flaws, i will try to be happier cus that's what you always told me.
But im sorry, i just can't.
Sometimes, you can see that my smile and laugh are fake.
Sometimes i know i hurt you alot especially when i talk about my secondary school friend/stuffs, it may make you feel like you are insignificent to me.

well, think that's all i got to say, will post again.
soon?

Labels: Can't find myself