Cus you say.

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Thursday, June 2, 2011 @ 7:56 PM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

Hey peeps, been a long time isn't it?
That i even forgot the existance of blogger till today.

Sigh,
the past two months[?] been kind of rough and smooth.
Things changed in a snap, things that happens unexpectedly.
I'm so sick and tired of facing all these things at home,
most people go home after a long day to rest but when i get home all those things that i have to bother and things that bothers me come after me.
When will it come to an end?
When can she stop her actions and doings?
An adult but acting like a kid.

I kept quiet and live with it, i don't want to argue for as i know "what's the point".
Swallowing those blames and things which i felt unfair, it kills me inside to be facing all these but what can i do, tell my dad?
Give him another problem to worry about?
I tried to tell him, all he says is ask me to give in, tell me "aiyah~ aiyah~".
So that's what you want me to do huh?
I know you're in a difficult position between your wife and daughter.

I never ask much just want to spend time with you like how a child would want with their parents. But you never would spare your time for me.
Each time i tried to tell you something, you either cut it off or change topic when it comes to things you don't want to hear.

I'm not asking much, but do you freakin' know how it feels like?!
I know i'm very nonchalent, i just can't find any way to express how i feel.
But i hope you don't get it wrong, cus deep down in my heart, i _ _ _ _ you alot.
I never fit up your standard of being your daughter, as you could never see me trying.
Sometimes I really feel like giving up on myself cus i don't have the courage to surge forward.

Seeing her went crazy just now just scared the hell outta me, i wonder what has gotten into her.
I dont know why i went up to her, tried to hold her back from hurting herself and in the end got hurt by her.
Sometimes i want to go up to her and ask why is she doing all these for?
To drive me out of this place? Or is my existance driving her crazy?
Sometimes i wonder, if my disappearance would make things better?

Her actions and doings makes me hate her alot sometimes but i don't hold it against her,
for what my grandpa said, "forgive those who hurt you and thank them for doing so".

For now, i just want to accomplish the promise i made to my grandpa.
That's what keeps me going.
As the words he told me when he was in the hospital, how he held my hands tightly when my tears falls uncontrollably, i think he's the only one who sees through what's hidden behind my smile and the vibe i give off like nothing is wrong.
A person whom taught me so much, gave me so much to remember has left me to face all these alone..

I'm so afraid to lose anyone, especially those close to my heart.
And of course my Dad for he's the only person I can kind of rely on.
Just hope that someday, he will see that all that he don't now..

That's all for now.

Labels: I miss you..